Just · Glory

I don't know if I should send this to post secret or post it in my livejournal:

Whenever I write something in my journal that I'm excited about and then it turns out I was excited for no reason, I'm embarrased to go back and write about how it didn't work out.

I've been writing in my paper journals more, but even then, if I write about good news and I have to go back and write about how it wasn't so good after all, I'm embarrassed for myself. It doesn't even matter that it's a journal no one's reading. My journal writing has definitely been hampered. I don't know what to do about it.

The way Amy says things is so funny. This morning:

Me: "Amy, I think my coffee is ready. Can you smell it?"

Amy: "I will not accept coffee in my mouth. I will have chocolate milk."

I've been having really creepy and unsettling dreams. Last night I dreamed someone in my family had a cat that got pregnant and had a bunch of kittens. I was exhausting myself trying to move the other cat and the kittens to a place in the house where the male cats could not get to the kittens and kill them. I kept having to take the kittens back to the box I was putting them in because the mother was trying to move them back to the original place she'd had them, and there were about three male cats that were intensely curious, and it was so hard for me to get them put away where they couldn't get to the mama and her babies. Once I finally managed that, a lady came to look at the kittens and pick one out to adopt, but instead of waiting until the kitten was old enough to take home, she took it right then, planning to bottle raise it. I flipped out on her and told her she was putting its life in danger and that wasn't acceptable. Everyone else around me seemed to think it was no big deal. I tried to take the kitten from her, and she wouldn't let me. I totally lost it, and I was fighting her and yelling and screaming and crying because she wouldn't let me put the kitten back with its mother. I was so enraged and felt so helpless. At the end of my dream, I was screaming at her that if the kitten didn't survive, I would sue her for animal abuse if I didn't just hunt her down and kill her.

I woke up feeling so unsettled and sweating profusely. I wish I knew why I dreamed that particular dream.

I was going to wait until I could upload the pictures too, but I haven't had time for that yet, so...

Yesterday, Amy K. turned 4. I can hardly believe it. When I woke her up, singing the birthday song of course, I told her the story of the day she was born. And when I got to the part about how long she was and how much she weighed, she immediately wanted to know what she weighs on her 4th birthday.

This is why it's so hard for me to believe she's 4: 29 lbs., 3T clothes, size 7 shoes... barely. She's so tiny. We call her Mighty Mouse. Of course, after stepping off the scale, she said, "See! I knew I was growing!" To me, she's still my baby. She still crawls in bed with me at 3 a.m. She still wants to be held and rocked. I still carry her through crowded parking lots... ok, and around the house too. Anna was so, so independent, and in many ways Amy is too. She chooses her own clothes and dresses herself, and half the time puts her shoes on the right feet, she likes to help cook and brush her own teeth and carry groceries in from the car. But she still always comes back for cuddles, and I'll be so sad when these days are gone, so I hang on tight to them.

So Happy Birthday to my baby girl. It's a little bittersweet for mom.

There's a park about a mile from our home that Anna and I walked to today. It was a great afternoon: http://www.flickr.com/photos/77215163@N00/?saved=1

Growing up, we pretty much ate like crap. We ate whatever we wanted. Although there weren't always sweets or sodas in the house, we certainly didn't eat healthy. I've made it a point to teach the girls to eat healthy so that maybe they won't have to struggle so hard to make healthy choices when they're adults, to reverse habits that have been there since childhood. We still have our treats, but for the most part, their options are healthy ones around here. And most of the time they cry and beg for candy and cokes and McDonald's anyway... even though we only go to McDonald's a few times a year.

But sometimes I realize that they are developing some good habits. Last night at Subway when Anna ordered her sandwich (she always orders for herself), she ordered a turkey sandwich on wheat, no cheese, with spinach, tomatoes, pickles and olives. SPINACH. (beaming mom at this point). Then when we're eating dinner, she asks me if we can start trying new foods every week. She's trying to develop her taste for new foods so that she can be a food critic when she grows up. Seriously. Is this kid just 7?

One more funny thing she said at the end of the evening. We were sitting down to study for her spelling test that she takes today, and she forgot the list. When she got back up to go get the list for me, she said, "I'm just so empty-headed sometimes." And she didn't get that one from me!

I keep telling myself that I'm not looking for my next husband. And for the most part, I'm not. At least, I'm not because I'm not in a hurry... I'm not looking for the first man who'll take me... I'm not looking for someone who's just looking for a wife. I'm not Husband Hunting.

But I'm hoping for my partner. I'm hoping for someone who wants the same things I want out of life, who has similar ideas about how to raise children, whose priorities are at least remotely in the same order as mine. I never had that with Sean. None of it. We should have known those things before we got married, but we didn't take the time to get to know each other. I'm in no hurry this time. I want to get it right when getting to know someone... to really take the time to know what's in their head and what's in their heart without being blinded by what they've got between the sheets. Yeah... I said it.

And I tell myself all the time that I don't need someone. I can do this by myself. My children don't need a step-father. They still have their dad. For the most part, all of those things are true. BUT, I want someone. I'm happier when I'm making someone else happy - as long as they're invested in my happiness as well. I want someone to be cheering alongside me at the girls' soccer games or smiling proudly during their dance recitals when their father is living hundreds of miles away. And I want to have more children. I want to do it all over again with someone who would be as excited about it and serious about it and as invested in it as I am now and would be again. I want to love and to be loved, to respect and be respected, to cherish and be cherished, to trust and be trusted. I want to be someone's soft place to land, to make him feel supported in whatever his endeavors are. And I want someone to stand beside me and be my support as well.

I know that no matter the direction the storyline of my life takes, there will be a happy ending. These girls give me a sneak preview of the days and months and years to come every single day. But I hope to add some more warmth to the story- more joy, more depth, more strength, more fun, more adventure, more passion... another character who's irreplaceable. And I don't want to be the only author of this life. I want a co-author. I want someone who can write himself in without leaving me out. I know I'm not asking too much.

I de-stressed this evening by mutilating some pumpkins. It was fun:)

Your Autumn Test Results

You are a energetic, warm, optimistic person. You approach everything with a lot of enthusiasm. When you are happiest, you are calm. You appreciate tradition and family. You enjoy feeling cozy. You tend to be afraid of change. You are never ready for things to be different. You find love to be the most comforting thing in the world. You feel at peace when you're with your loved ones. Your ideal day is spontaneous and surprising. You like to play things by ear, and you always end up doing something interesting. You tend to live in the moment. You enjoy whatever is going on, and you don't obsess over the past or future.

The only one I really don't think is right is the one about change. I actually love change and look forward to it. And when things stay the same too long, I feel stuck.

I love cafes. I ate breakfast this morning at Magnolia Cafe on S. Congress, all the while wondering why oatmeal tastes so much better when someone else makes it. People are beautiful in cafes. It's a stark contrast to people in bars.

People are not beautiful in bars. Everyone is trying to be something in a bar, trying to look a certain way, appear to be a certain way, or at least to make themselves feel something that they didn't feel when they walked in the door. And that's before the alcohol sets in. Once they're drunk, it's a different kind of ugly. Alcohol is a great lubricant - it causes thoughts that should remain firmly planted in your mind to slide right out of your mouth and asses to slide right off a barstool and into a bed where they don't really belong. Drunken people become cartoons of their true selves, and it isn't pretty at all.

But in the cafe, people are beautiful in the way they're relaxed, with no agenda except to fill their bellies and maybe to visit. They're beautiful in the way they tend to their children, or to each other with quiet, intimate conversation and holding hands under the table. They're beautiful with their heads tossed back freely in laughter or quietly studying the morning paper. I love cafes.

I've been neglecting my LJ again, so I supposed I should write about where I'm living now. I took a job leasing luxury apartments in NW Austin. So, the girls and I are Austinites now. We're doing quite well actually, and so far I love it here. I'll love it a lot more when I've been here long enough for the paychecks to come regularly. So far, so good though.

PICTURE POST

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The girls and I are alive and mostly well, living in TX with my dad until I can get on my feet and get us a place of our own. I've been neglecting LJ b/c Myspace and Facebook don't require actually formulating any thoughts. I don't know how to write it all down right now. So, I'm going to just give you all some really cute pictures.

more behind the cut...

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Everyone should hear this girl. I love her. She's a new favorite of mine. Listen especially to "Swelling." Her voice and her songwriting are both unique and honest. Oh, and absolutely beautiful!

http://www.myspace.com/sjaffe